Ed the Giraffe Tamer
by starclip
Summary: In a world where killer giraffes freely roam the planet, Edward Elric and his brother struggle to survive against the financial waves that repeatedly crash against their bank account. So what does Ed do? Become a Giraffe Tamer! Equipped with his multi-purpose belt, imagination and credit card, Ed strives to become...uh...something that will get him a lot of money? AU, no pairings


**Disclaimer: I don't own anything other than the randomness of this story...can I just say it here and not in other chapters? I'll definitely forget to put a disclaimer in...**

**A/N: Ok, so this is my first fanfic. I got inspiration from the anime 'Senyuu' (which you can see from the picture above) and also partly from my little stuffed**** toy**** giraffe lying on my bed. I must warn you though, young adventurer, that this is one of those stories I write with no real plot in my head and come up with as I go, so expect randomness and bad jokes. It also has scenes from the manga for...certain purposes (like me not knowing what to write). ****Maybe the characters are a bit OOC- I don't really know, since I'm the one who wrote this and is therefore not allowed to judge. What else...hmm...oh and constantly changing POV. Although this is my first fanfic, please point out all errors, weirdness and...stuff...let's get started!**

**[Chapter 1: Introducing Ed the Giraffe Tamer!]**

Edward Elric was a giraffe tamer. Actually, not just a random kid who bribed a giraffe with a carrot (do giraffes even eat carrots still eat carrots these days? I heard that they rather enjoy bentos from convenience stores), but _the_ giraffe tamer. The Fullgiraffe alchemist. Wait, no, the Fullgiraffe tamer. Where did the alchemist bit come from? Who cares, anyway, back to topic. The Fullgiraffe tamer has managed to tame every single giraffe he'd come across, in this world where giant, half-demon, furry giraffes that sprout shooting stars out of their backs dominate parts of the world. You know, the parts that have flames and people screaming in agony everywhere … I think it's called Hell. Well, the thing is that the rest of the world is quite normal if you don't count the man-eating giraffes part, so this is where giraffe tamers come in handy. Their job is to: tame the giraffes (duh). Some very famous giraffe tamers are: Roy Mustang, the Flame Tamer, who tames giraffes with well-controlled flames as they are abundant in their homeland (what the hell – see what I did there?) and; Alex Louis Armstrong, the Strong Sparkle tamer, who uses his beauty to charm the giraffes (that's the official description. The real method is to make them choke on the sparkles he feeds them). Ok, enough with the info, moving on, class!

* * *

"Pssst"

The giraffe didn't even look at the little human perched on its back. It was too small for his tastes, and the humanburger it was slowly devouring was pretty delicious anyway. He giraffed something suspiciously like "midget".

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SMALL!?"

The giraffe continued eating his humanburger.

"Oi, are you listening?"

The giraffe finished eating his humanburger.

"I said, are you listening?"

The giraffe started on his human sandwich.

"If you keep on ignoring me I'll tell your girlfriend that you shared a human with that pretty little giraffe in the woods behind you." Pretty was the last word he would use to describe it, but oh well.

The giraffe immediately stiffened and stopped eating.

"Now there's a good little giraffe," Edward Elric said, smirking. Yes, he was a master of blackmail and yes, he had just tamed another giraffe. Now please stop asking questions, you're interrupting the story.

* * *

The truck that read, [TAMED GIRAFFE REMOVAL SERVICE] disappeared into the distance.

"Good job, Brother," greeted Al, Ed's (nice) little brother. "I guess the money you got for this capture is enough for another week…?"

Ed just grinned evilly and rubbed his index finger and thumb together – the universal sign for 'I got cash'. Al really knew how to cheer him up.

Al laughed. "I'll take that as a yes. By the way, midterms just finished, so why don't we have something nice for dinner?"

…or maybe not.

"AL! I do not want to remember those horrid things!"

"Right, right. Just because you're smart and graduated three years before everyone else your age doesn't mean school is a forbidden subject, Brother. I'm still in school, if you haven't noticed."

"Those bastards in my class called me short!"

"You _are_ short, Brother. And in their defence, they spent the next few months in hospital."

Ed was just about to, let's say, 'bite Al's head off' when a voice interrupted him.

"Sorry boys, I'm afraid I have to cut your conversation short."

Before Ed could comment on the s word, Al barged in.

"Who might you be?"

The black haired man smirked. "Colonel Roy Mustang, the Flame Tamer, and this is my lieutenant Riza Hawkeye."

_The Flame Tamer and his lieutenant Riza Hawkeye, a.k.a. the Hawk's Eye, famed for her accuracy with snipers and pistols? What in the name of fudge muffins is going on here!?_ These, of course, were Ed's thoughts. Al's were much nicer.

_The Flame Tamer? And is that the Hawk's Eye? They look so cute together! Should I ask for their autograph? …I should, I should not, I should, I should not, I should…_

…I rest my case.

Ed narrowed his eyes. "What does a state tamer want with us?"

"No, just you, Fullgiraffe Tamer. Although your younger brother shows great promise as a tamer, he needs to finish school first."

_Good, so it's just me. They're not involving Al._

…_I should, I should not, I should…_

Ed started, "So why-"

"I am just presenting you with the possibilities. Whether you want to end your life relying on the money you earn as a freelance tamer or bow down to the army, seeking what possibilities lie there. If the-"

"The hell-"

"I'm not finished yet," Mustang said, irritated. "Continuing on from where I was rudely interrupted… *meaningful glance*…If the possibility lies on that path then you should move forward to return your bank account to normal. Even if that path is a muddy path."

He handed Ed a slip of paper.

"This should be helpful. That is all for today. Let's go", he said, gesturing to his lieutenant.

Both of them turned around, walked to their car, climbed in and drove away.

Ed and Al stared after them.

.

.

.

.

.

Huh?

_It's official_, Ed decided._ That guy is definitely mental_.

_I didn't ask for their autographs yet!_

_Stop thinking about autographs, Al! By the way, how come we can hear each other?_

_Uh…_ Al thought hard about this one. His brother always gave him extremely hard questions to train his mind. Or so he thought, anyway. Let's not ruin an innocent child's mind.

_Elric brother telepathy?_

_How should I know? That was supposed to be a rhetorical question!_

Al looked at Ed with admiration in his eyes. Letting him find out on his own instead of just telling him, as expected of brother!

Ed, though, was caught up in his own thoughts.

_How does _he_ know about the bank account thing?_

_He _is_ in the military._

_Still, it shouldn't have been found out!_

_It's not everyday people hack into bank accounts to withdraw five dollars._

_Shut up! I was hungry and the burger looked good. And anyway, why am I even having a conversation with myself?_

_I don't know, don't ask me._

Thankfully, Ed came out of his thoughts quite sane, if he may say so himself.

Al didn't quite think so.

Ed noticed Al giving him weird looks every few seconds, as if observing him for any signs of insanity, which he supposed he was.

"Al"

Al meeped a bit and asked timidly, "Yes, Brother?"

"Quit staring at me, you're creeping me out."

Al thought for a moment, then put on a serious face. "Brother."

"Yes?" Irritated look.

"Tell me your name."

"…"

"…"

"Al."

"Yes, Brother?"

"You have five seconds to run away."

"Brother. Seriously, I need to know."

Really irritated look.

Al gulped.

"Fine." -*sigh*- "It's Bob"

"Brother!"

* * *

Al was alone. Again. His brother has gone to his part-time job in who-knows-where (what did you expect? There aren't enough taming opportunities to live entirely off the reward money and although Ed had graduated, he was still too young to get a proper job) and once again, Al was sitting at the dinner table by himself.

_~flashback~_

"_Brother! Dinner is ready!" Al called. He had made his brother's favourite food (stew) and apple pie so he was looking forward to having a nice dinner with Ed. That said, he did not expect his brother to come out of the room they shared in a uniform that looked five hundred years too old for modern society._

"_Brother? Are you going somewhere?"_

"_I…um…look, Al, I received a call just then and this guy at the convenience store is sick…and…I needa do his night shift for him…" Ed said guiltily._

_Al sighed. Brother was always going to part time jobs, and odd ones at that. Ed has (so far) been a cashier, car cleaner, supermarket shelf-stacker, pest control technician, garbage truck driver, fitness trainer, auction assistant, assistant pancake flipper and even shovelled horse poo. It looks really good on his resume. Edward Elric, 15yrs old. Has experience shovelling horse poo._

"_Ok, Brother," he said, smiling. "Do you want me to save some leftovers or are you going to steal some from the shop?_

"_Al", Ed said seriously. "I do not _steal_. I _take_ when no one's looking."_

"_Whatever you say," Al said, chuckling. "So I take it that you don't want any stew?"_

"_No, no, save me some. I'll be back soon."_

"_When will you be back?"_

"_What?"_

"_The time. And don't lie to me, please, Brother. You suck at lying."_

_Ed's eyes flittered nervously around the room._

"_Brother."_

"…_Around 2am…?"_

_Awkward silence._

_Al closed his eyes and sighed._

"_Brother, I have two comments: one, it's only six right now. Eight hours does not qualify as _soon_, " -Ed winced a bit at this- "and… *sigh*…don't overwork yourself, okay?" Al added the last bit in a low voice._

_Ed stared at him, surprised. Al doesn't normally say this kind of stuff. Slowly, Ed unfroze and hugged his little brother._

"_Don't worry, I won't."_

_All they could hear were the sounds of delivery trucks racing past their house._

_Everything was silent (apart from the delivery trucks)._

_Then Ed's watch beeped. Not that it really made a difference since there were delivery trucks outside._

_As he pulled away, Ed glared at it for a moment. Which was weird since it was considerably a lot quieter than the delivery trucks. Why the hell were there so many delivery trucks anyway?_

"_Well, I'll be off then. See ya later, Al."_

"_Yeah, you too, Brother."_

_The door closed and Al felt his smile slide off his face._

_~flashback end~_

Al sighed for the hundredth time that night and stared at the stew with no appetite.

"…I wish Brother was here…and after all that effort to make you too…"

The stew did not reply.

Al was about to sigh again when he heard a faint sound.

_Meow…_

If anyone knocked on the door of the Elric residence in the next hour or so, they would've discovered that a bowl of stew cannot open a door when the owner is in the backyard, feeding a cat.

* * *

Ed was not a happy camper. He had been stuck in this stupid little convenience store for about SIX WHOLE HOURS without seeing another human being.

"ARGH!" He made sure to chomp down on his sandwich extra hard, and before you ask, no, he did not steal it. He took it.

He didn't even realize that there was a person standing in front of him until the said person cleared his throat.

Ed nearly dropped his sandwich.

Regaining his composure, he forced himself to be polite.

"What do you- I mean, how can I help you?" Ed managed through gritted teeth. He was not in the best of moods right now and this guy was giving him the creeps. Seriously, how often do you see a guy walking around with this huge X-shaped scar on his forehead? And HE WAS WEARING SUNGLASSES! AT NIGHT! NOT TO MENTION _MIDNIGHT_! This was definitely one of the biggest 'WTF?!' moments in Ed's life.

The man just kept glaring at him.

"Erm…mister? Is there something wrong-"

"…Edward Elric…"

Ed narrowed his eyes and raised his arms into a defensive gesture.

"How do you know my name?"

The man stared pointedly at the name tag fastened on his uniform.

Feeling a bit stupid, Ed put his arms down, his cheeks a flush of red.

"Um-"

"Fullgiraffe…"

"Pardon?"

"Edward Elric…THE FULLGIRAFFE TAMER!"

Ed stiffened. Now this was serious. Most people knew about the Fullgiraffe Tamer, but not many knew his real name, and the fact that he was a 15-year-old midget. Not that he would admit the midget bit.

Without warning, the man reached out his right hand -which was covered in complex tattoos, Ed noted- and slammed it through the concrete behind where Ed's head was.

"…That was close…" Ed muttered, eyes wide. If he hadn't stop, drop and rolled (maybe the fire drills at school _did_ teach him something. He was pretty sure it wasn't supposed to be used against psyco killers though), he would've been like…the shattered concrete wall the man's hand had gone through. Ed shivered at the mental image.

The man pulled his hand out from the now destroyed wall. _Shit, do I have to pay for it? Will the boss accept the excuse of getting into a fight with a psychopath? Hey, wait…that scar…_Ed's eyes widened in horror as the realization dawned on him. _Scar! The serial killer with enormous strength in his right arm and hand! Fudge cakes and apples, how do I get out of this one? No, before that, how did I even get INTO this one?_

Scar looked at Ed in the eye, which REALLY, REALLY freaked him out.

_What, what is he…this is bad! Bad! Bad! My legs aren't moving even though my head's screaming for me to run away! Not good…I'M GOING TO DIE!_

Ed's watch beeped as it displayed the time: 12:00am. It was enough to snap him out of his thoughts. He jumped up and charged out of the shop in a speed that would've put Sonic the Hedgehog to shame. And of course, Scar followed. Duh. Bad guys always follow the hero.

"This is a joke, right? What the hell are you? Why are you going after me?"

"…If there are creators, then there are also destroyers."

…_What?_

Ed reached for the small blade hanging on the multi-purpose weapon belt his childhood friend Winry gave him for his 13th birthday (which proved to be a mistake as he never takes it off now. "You never know when something might happen," he said). It held a small (but sharp) blade that can be fastened onto his hand with weird bits of machinery made by Winry, a bag full of ammo and a pistol that Ed never used. He only kept it around because of that stupid government law that said something like, "All tamers must carry a gun of some kind for safety precautions. And because we're thinking of taxing gun carriers in the near future since we're not rich enough yet and we like milking off our residents." Okay, okay, the last bit was probably not true, but that doesn't mean it has no credibility to it.

"So you're telling me that I have no choice," Ed said, snapping the blade onto his wrist.

Scar smirked. "You've got guts…"

Ed swung the blade at his head.

"…but you're too slow!"

Ed could only watch in horror as Scar ducked under his swing and crushed the blade (along with his wrist) in one smooth, and not to mention _very_ fast, move. He dropped to his knees as ferocious pain spiked up his arm from his (most likely broken) right wrist. Come to think of it, Scar probably did a number on his arm as well, judging from the pain. This was when he realised just how powerful his enemy was. And how he probably wasn't going to make it back to eat Al's stew.

Scar looked down at his figure pityingly. Thunder crackled.

_Wait- thunder? Don't bad things in books happen when it's storming? _

Thunder crackled again.

_I'm so screwed._

"I will give you time to pray to god," Scar said.

Ed smiled, despite the situation.

"Sorry, but there isn't a god I want to play to."

_Unless there's a god of screwdrivers…_ **[a/n refer to the thought Ed had before this one]**

Scar's hand moved towards Ed's head in a sickeningly slow pace.

BANG

_Am I hearing things? I must be hearing things… Do people hear things when they're about to die?_

"That's as far as you go."

_I'm still hearing thi-wait..._

Ed stared.

"COLONEL?!"

**A/N: This is technically not a cliffhanger since it's in the manga and you should know what comes next. Other than that, please review!**


End file.
